The Definitive Ranking of Arnott’s Shapes Flavours
You can tell a lot about a person by what Shapes flavour they have in their cupboard (or if they even have Shapes in their cupboard… what is this 1995?). You probably haven’t eaten Shapes in a long time. That’s OK, because I ate all the flavours and ranked them from worst to best. Let me warn you: things have changed since the 90s. So if you want to get back in the Shapes game, you now have a guide.
Note: I did not include any variations on the original Shapes like the new fancy ranges or the ones shaped like dinosaurs or Australia because I do not have time for them, in this article or in life.
I started off by doing a bit of background research on the official website to see all the flavours I had to collect. All four sentences ended in exclamation marks, so I knew this was gonna be one exciting ride! Here’s the list from worst to best.
No. Why is this a flavour? God, it makes me angry. THEY’RE ALL FUCKING SAVOURY. LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE SHAPES FLAVOUR CAN BE CLASSED AS ‘SAVOURY’. MORE INFORMATION NEEDED. The shape the biscuits are in isn’t even an actual shape. It’s a weird non-shape. And you can’t even see the flavour! ‘Flavour you can see’… under a freakin’ microscope. One of my friends said he used to pour sugar on top of Savoury Shapes as a child just to give them some form of flavour. If you need to pour the sweetest possible tasting thing on top of biscuits labelled ‘savoury’ just to make them edible, something very wrong has happened somewhere along the line. I’m categorising my friends into groups of people who hate Savoury Shapes and people who actually like Savoury Shapes and burning effigies of all the savoury-likers. Also, the box is very visually unappealing. No stars.
Seventh place: Cheddar
If you want a vague whiff of cheese on a carb-based product I’d recommend shoving a grissini stick in a Cheezel instead. Very poor excuse for a biscuit.
Sixth place: Nacho Cheese
When you put this face down on your tongue, it tastes really good. It’s zingy and you want to do it again. But before you reach for another, you have to chew the one already in your mouth and then it dawns on you that you’re eating a biscuit, not a corn chip. If you want the taste of nacho cheese, you should eat chips because no one ever made nachos with biscuits and if they did I don’t want to know about it.
Fifth place: Chicken Drumstick
These are rare. They weren’t at the first supermarket I went to. I actually had to put in effort to find these and I wasn’t really rewarded for it. It thinks it's too good for mainstream supermarkets. If Chicken Drumstick Shapes were a person they would buy $300 basic t-shirts. Get over yourself Drumstick! I mean they don’t taste bad but they’re unnecessary. We already have Chicken Crimpy! These do have more herbs than the crimpster but also less overall taste and just no, back in the box!
Fourth place: Barbecue
How the mighty have fallen! The spice party you remember as a kid is still there, except you need to put four biscuits in your mouth to get the same flavour that one used to punch. Remember how you couldn’t see the biscuit because of all the red and green flavouring? Well, it’s basically naked now. Cover up that disgusting hexagonal biscuity flesh with colourful spices, ffs.
Third Place: Cheese & Bacon
You can taste the meat on the inhale. They’re disgusting and delicious all at once. I feel dirty eating them but I can’t stop. Also, there are pretty pink dots on them. I’m assuming that’s the bacon. Beautiful and dirty, just like a piglet in mud. Bacon. Come to think of it, muddy bacon isn’t a bad way to describe the feeling in your mouth when eating these.
Runner up: Chicken Crimpy
Where have these been all my life? Gonna have a stern talking to my mum for not purchasing these when I was a kid. They have a large surface area to fill with flavour, and they don’t spread it out to weaken it like you’d expect. Greater surface area and greater flavour! They taste like chicken stock but they also taste kind of sweet. But an almost unnoticeable sweetness. Maybe that’s the crimpy? What the hell is ‘crimpy’? Doesn't matter, I love crimpy.
Yes. Instant reflex was to eat the whole box. These have been the holy grail of Shapes since the 90s and they retain their place at the top of the Shapes pyramid. Best eaten by pouring the excess flavouring straight down your throat from the bag.
Honestly I wasn’t joking about the Savoury thing. If you think they deserve any place other than last please let me know so I can arrange for our paths to never, ever cross.
This article was published on The Thousands.